i miss you all so much

we were both pretty young. but she was older. i was 1 and she was 11. we were in my grandmothers house playing with toys. my favorite toy just so happened to be pinocchio. the ones that were already set to him lying, and his nose was already pretty long. yeah. that one. she came out of her bedroom with my barbie and i snapped. i was in the bathroom when i saw her coming and i just snapped. i ran up to her, as soon as she knelt down on the ground i 'accidentally' hit her in the face with pinocchio. well, with his nose to be exact. and thats the very first memory i've ever had of my oldest sister manuela. yeah, not a very nice memory, but if you were me, you would say she had it coming. lol.

I WISH

i wish i would've listened. i wish i would've stopped when they told me before. but i couldn't. and now that i can, im suffering the consequences. this life isn't fun. not when your trying to hide, and rumors are being spread. i wish they would just sit down and listen to me. listen to my side of the story. i wish they could tell how sorry i am, FEEL how sorry i am. BELIEVE how sorry i am. but i guess it doesn't matter anymore. i guess i just need to handle my own sh*t and whatever. i wish a lot of things happened differently but you know, it is what it is. let the rumors spread. my insanity is only just hanging by a thread.

i feel lost and alone without you by my side. these are words that were bottled up. i should have known all would be revealed in due time. the lies cause pain. tears filled with shame. i cant bring myself to say what i have to say. our time was never up, but your forced 'us' to end. why would you do that? i thought you were my friend. what happened to the old days? back in july... november? i miss you my love. and now that we're over, theres nothing left for me to say but i wish we could start over. a fresh new page. but what for, if you'd go and believe something said from a stupid little wh*re. it was never your fault. never mine either. we've known each other for awhile. i fell in love with you around easter. but would you care? would you care to see me cry? or would you rather just have me sit down and wait for me to die?

i dont know what im feeling. lost. upset. lonely. like a ghost.
the silence is killing me. shall i just overdose? i dont know what to do. im lost and confused. the mood is set. tell me the rules. because this is a game. the best one yet. the one that determines my fate, but i have yet to fret. i would panic, but what for? our time is almost up. i can barely see you walking out the door. with blood shot eyes, i cant go home. now is not the time. i can cry, over and over. but whats the point if ill just do it time and time again. ill get used to it. thrive off of it. you say its not your problem, but it sure as hell ain't mine. you were the one who led me here. made me lose my mind...

i honestly havent had comments on here in awhile... i feel so unloved v.v

grown topic? my views on god and the law of attraction. comment?

so, there's one thing i totally believe in that cancels out the whole thought of god. like, it just has nothing to do with him, it proves he doesnt exist, it just erases him from the picture. its called the law of attraction. the more you believe something is going to happen, the more likely it WILL happen. now, some people try to turn away from all the bull sh*t that doesnt have to do with god, but, thats because they're afraid. afraid of the truth. afraid that what they've believed in for so long is a lie. see, i have no problem believing in the law of attraction. ive been searching for answers as to how everything in the world happens for a couple of months now, and i never really let anyone know, and then i read the secret and honestly, it told me what everyone else refused to let me know. ive never believed in god, truth be told, i thought it was all a huge friggin' lie. like, honestly, nobody actually knows what went on those millions of years ago. and i doubt whoever was alive back then didnt write sh*t of what was happening. hey, this is just me opening up. its my views on the world and history and philosophy or whatever. i mainly think the bible is a lie because its been renewed so many times like, who knows what the first bible even said? its the same story, but theres just so many differences its not even funny. so like, really, i think its all a big lie and that the law of attraction is the only thing that really works. i just had to put that out there. i know this is kind of like, a pretty grown topic, but i just had to say it.

i honestly dont think imma pass school this year, but its whatever.

song im listening too: jersey- mayday parade

mood: DGAF

for the second video i just think the girl should break up with him because its deffinitly not okay to ask for some shit like that.

for the first video i guess she should just sit him down and try to talk to him. tell him that she appreciates the texting, and she loves knowing that hes thinking about her, because shes always thinking about him, but he needs to try not to text so much because its getting kind of out of hand. she needs to tell him the truth. being straight forward is the best way to handle things.

gahhhhhhh rioghneirudlbfn gvioiusrbd lfdgeroigdv -_-
NOBODY'S BEEN COMMENTING ON MY BLOG -_-
this kinda makes me sad...
well uhmmm *cough**COUGH* some people should comment on my blog *cough*cough*SOME OF YOU PEOPLE WHO GO ON MY BLOG*cough**cough*

i feel like crying, but here, thats almost as bad as dying. the pain and suffering. i feel it all the time. when i walk through the door. the hurt. the pain. isnt it all the same?

so give me a reason why i shouldnt do something stupid tonight? theres no use in trying to put up a fight. i dont even care anymore. its 11:45 at night. why try to deny it? i kissed someone tonight and i liked it. maybe this is MY rebel love song...

are poems meant to rhyme? was there ever a time where they didn't? what if those moments were hidden? did anyone ever stop to think that maybe things were never that neat? I'm writing a poem. it doesn't need to rhyme. I'm only writing it to pass the time...

as my pen hits the paper darkness spills onto the page. im scared to go home. i barely even know the way. do you know the time or the day? i look up and all i see are clouds of grey. for miles wide. i need to know the time. get back to you. i can almost hear you whine. 'Where are you? Are you close?' im suffocating in this darkness. i might begin to overdose. i had no idea what this was about... but now i see. when is the next time i will see you? will you be with me? with my sister? they say three's a crowd, but it doesn't feel like it with your company.

dedicated to my oldest sister who is... god knows where...

... i break through the walls that shield the sounds of my cries... to let people know that im not the one who lies. im not the one who goes around and... tries, to hide, the truth from the inocent peoples eyes. i know the truth. and its enough to break the ties... with the people. nobody can help... the lies are going around like little flies. can you see the lies? or are you one of the flies? going around. spreading despair. like nobody cares. would you dare? do you find that fair?

when friendships end

when friendships end its kinda weird because you know all this information about someone, but yet, you guys arent even talking and like, nobody else knows half the stuff that you know. its kinda frustrating.

cigarettes affect your health because they damage your lungs. alcohol rots the brain and other parts of the body. weed messes with your brain also. it kills your brain cells.

now, i know that most people find these things damaging, but the people who smoke cigarettes, weed, and drink alcohol, find these things helpful in relaxing them and getting them through life. its their little boost. now, i know they probably wont learn better until something tragic happens, but, at least they have some sense left and their own mentality isn't unraveling like it would if they didn't do those things. those people know the consequences, but frankly, they just don't care. at least their HAPPY.

what has been the biggest change in your life the past year?

the biggest change? damn. that would have to be when i started going to union. i became a bit more open minded and like, im more open to doing new things. my life has kind of altered. i mean, some bad things have happened since going to union. ive gotten into bad habits, but, thats just me i guess. i definitely go to taco bell more lol

but thats mainly just because that where union heads go when its really cold or of we're hungry. theres a thing called the 'Union Curse'. its when you go chill with the people from union and then all you wanna do is go back to union more and more and like, thats just all you wanna do. even if your just doing the same thing everyday.

people kept telling me to leave before i got it but sadly, ive already gotten it xD

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

i find it SOO funny how many fake people there are in this school, like w2, its so annoying though. like, you cant just say what you have to say to a persons face? instead you go and talk about them behind their back? WTF TYPE OF BS IS THAT? like really, i woulda though the people in this school were better than that, but i guess not. its back out to union now, because i really cant deal with all this drama. like w2.

-SIGH-

sometimes, i just wish there was a place where i could escape. get away from reality, and all the retardedness that comes with it. sometimes, i just wish that i could evaporate into thin air. but we cant always have what we want. things just seem to be harder than they should be. nobody can get what they want. sometimes i wonder why life was like that. why cant life just be easier, maybe just a bit simple? but, how boring would life be if there were no obstacles to overcome? for me, life would be pretty dull. it'd be the same thing everyday. but then again, we'd be living in a 'too safe' enviroment. a place where nobody was scared that one day there might be a random shooting in their neighborhood. but how many peoples lives would be saved if they couldjust disappear into thin air, and just escape. i almost always wish i could escape from reality so i didn't have to deal with the truth of it all. but i definitely know that's not the way to go anymore.

A window opens, it’s you 3 years ago, what advice do you give yourself?

what advice would i give myself from 3 years ago?

well, try not to get into any of the stuff I've gotten into now. try to keep a relationship going longer than what i normally do, never talk to a guy named zomby because he put me through a lot of emotional damage and thats when i was diagnosed depressed. learn how to keep a relationship going longer, don't do drugs, try to keep my parents to trust me, and learn how to save money better. <3

hurting...

I know this has nothing to do with school or... well... anything really, but, I really want to cry. I'm not gonna say why i wanna cry, but i just wished it would stop happening. because it's happening right in front of my eyes and i cant do anything to stop it and it's hurting me. it's hurting me badly. the tears are beginning to fall. i feel if i let them keep falling, i wont be able to control it. and i really don't wanna cry in front of the problem. nothing might be the same after today... it's killing me. I'm suffering, sitting here in this room. I wanna try to stop it but i cant because i know for a fact that it would be wrong of me to say anything. god, just please PLEASE let it stop... :'l

Poem inspired by Sleep-The Roots

bee. bee. my honey bee. there she goes. my honey bee. sleep has left me. the dreams are gone. and i don't miss them. and i don't wish them... on anyone else. that thief... he stole the prayer i keep. where'd he go? im so tired... dead tired...

my mind has been playing tricks of deceit on me. how can i think straight? when history repeats itself... the thought of the past following me. i wish the past would just stay in the past... but except for my family. will they even remember me, if i was to ever return? i've gone from all but a man to a simple memory. someone help me... tell me if you will remember me... i cant think straight. what ever happened to who i was? my life is unresolved, i don't know where to go. in a battle of defeat, my dreams would win over sleep. like when autumn leaves... fall... down from the trees. they fall in defeat. a battle won. its better than none. the leaves that survive stay but only for a week... or more. i cant tell yet. but from what i can see, its nothing to fret... over. im so tired... maybe finally i can get some sleep.

sleeping with sirens song review. IF YOU CANT HANG.

okay, so, i love this band so i thought i should do a song review.

if you cant hang, well, i love that song but i think that the introduction is a bit long.

that song though, its pretty awesome. haha. like, it describes one of the girls in my school perfectly xP

what song lyrics best describe my life? i dont know i mean, theres a couple. theres:

check yes, juliet - we the kings

i set fire to the rain- adele

and a couple more that i cant remember the name lol

if i was to die tomorrow and was only able to make one phone call, i would call the guy that i had a crush on or Ronnie Radke. because ronnie is sooooo freakin cute and my crush is cool peoplez and its easy to talk to him sort of lol. but if i just called him out of the blue i think that would make me a bit stalker-ish >_>

if i had an identical twin, what would i do?

if i had an identical twin the very first prank i would pull would be on my boyfriend because i think it would be hilarious. be 2 people at once xD

what is your favorite thing to talk about when you are with your friends?

the main thing me and my friends talk about are the boys we have a crush on or food or us needing money or who's HIT in our school lol

if you could add any interesting feature to your bicycle, what would it be?

ummmm if i could add any interesting feature to my bicycle, it would be a phone or a laptop. a phone to call or text people or a laptop so i can type stories or have a blogging diary of what i see while on the road. and a radio to listen to music ^_^

poem #3. in the end...

the silence surrounds me, pulling me in. i can feel it now, almost as if i've committed a sin. nobody understands. not even you. but how could you understand something that isn't even true? you hid behind the lies for far too long. the truth in the end almost always comes through. i can see the pain in your eyes. do you see it too? the pain and the lies, saying everything else, all except the truth. i hear what you say, as i pass in the halls. the things you whisper, as if they ever even mattered. i can see why you do it. i mean, cant you see it too? the things that you do, expecting that id do it too. that pretty funny if you think about it. ha. the thought of me ever becoming anything like you. you say it because your insecure, isn't it so? how your so insecure. you want me to trust you, but i only trust you as far as i can throw. so in the end, whats gonna happen? are you gonna still gonna be a foe, or a simple girl who was led in the wrong direction, taken under my wing, hoping nothing will happen.

poem#2: the continuation

i see the darkness past the glass from my window. the barrier was held for as long as it could. the glass is breaking, slower and slower. i can feel it coming to a stop, almost like my heart. never to hear a beat again, would just be another start. yeah. another start, a different beginning. a new chapter for someone who will soon find out that they're always winning. the THUMP, THUMP is just like a drum. music to my ears, found crazy by some. but Im not crazy. i never was. i just had a reality of my own. larger than none. i can see past the lies. the tears, the cries. the fears and the rest. nothing makes sense anymore. wait, theres this strange feeling in my chest. a feeling to dance to, something that makes me feel like i can fly to. i don't want it to go away. it will remind me of you. the pain and the loss of everything that will forever be gone. don't leave me. will you come back? please, i beg. come back and nothing will turn red. no. WAIT. the red is clouding my vision. becoming wider and wider. starting at the edges... going towards the rest. what is this strange thing? it looks to be blood. but starting in my eyes? it makes me wanna die. but what if i do die? what if Im already dead? the thought is sending strange signals to my head. someone please come save me! don't let me die. death would be a welcome, but i cant end my life. not yet. its not yet the time. help me out here! will you ever tell me why?

so, i realized that when people try to comment on my blog it doesnt work. like, they just cant comment at all. sooooooooooooooooooooo; if you wanna comment on my blog, then just email me at: pmarquez188@gmail.com

xD

yepp. just go click on that. email me and what not. and you have fun with your life >_>

lol.

Whats one thing you fake all the time?

Whats one thing i fake all the time? Well, i could name a few. But recently, the only thing ive really been faking is my smile. most cant see it, but the ones that can are the very few who ever actually knew me. i cry at night for all the harm thats been done, and all the 'crap' thats been happening in my life. i can fake a laugh, i can fake a smile. i fake a conversation every once and awhile. each day i go through, it gets a bit harder. the temptation is there, im not gonna lie. but will i return to it? that is yet for me to find out. i cant decide whether its wrong or right. the pain has been inflicted, not physically but mentally. i know people who dont fake just one thing, but a bunch. some people fake their whole personality and who they are as people. i dont blame them, i just wish there wasnt people who were so fake on a regular basis. i guess i can get over that, i mean, i have to be the bigger person right? but faking a smile isnt as bad as faking being there for a person or faking a friendship like SOME people do >_>

poem inspired by a song my teacher had people listen to in class

i let the rain wash away all the feelings inside. ive got nothing to hide, out of sight out of mind. the day you left my hands went numb, my heart felt cold, i could've sworn i was deaf. im not deaf. i can hear the difference in my veins. the blood flowing through me doesnt make a sound anymore. the SWOOSH. SWOOSH that i heard when you were here is gone. i doubt if you come back it will ever return. somethings changed inside me. something that can never be fixed. but i guess thats okay. with that, i was being held back anyways. i doubt you'd understand, but then again how could you? i was a dark grey and you were always so cold and blue. id have killed you f i could. drank your blood and made it a part of me. so i can feel you all the time. even when i pee >_>

but enough of the crap, lets get through this together. whenever the day, it'd be better than never. i can hear the rain out my window. coming closer and closer. where did you go? will you tell me when this is over?

Do you believe in love at first sight?

i actually don't >_>

i mean, i just cant anymore. I've witnessed a bunch of relationships falling apart and i don't think that anyone truly finds that 'one' person. i mean, the fact that there's just so much hope in one little myth, its a bit crazy isn't it? i think that people, they're not always completely happy in their relationships. there's always those 1 or 2 faults. but then again, nobodys perfect right? couldn't that be the beauty of love? even loving all of their little mistakes? no, i don't believe in love at first sight. but i do believe that over time, you can fall in love with anyone, given the right reasons. and that any relationships are a thing of beauty. even the ones that are like a battle field. those, well, in the midst of a war zone, there is always that one little flower that was never destroyed. you cant fall in love with someone at first sight. you can have a crush on their personality or like them so much you think its love, but in reality, no love begins with a glance. only a single relationship can be started. and then the rest is for the 2 people to decide.

what qualities do you look for when choosing your friends?

when i have friends, theres really no specific quality that i look for in them. just the simple fact that i know that they'll be there for me is enough. i know some people that have recently proven themselves not true friends, but thats okay, i mean, you cant always expect everyone to be there for you.