suffocating. drowning out these words, ignoring their expressions. if my mind isnt here personally, am i still okay mentally? these thoughts are driving me insane. these thoughts, all of them, running through my brain. the confusion is suffocating, these moments... penetrating.

i miss you all so much

we were both pretty young. but she was older. i was 1 and she was 11. we were in my grandmothers house playing with toys. my favorite toy just so happened to be pinocchio. the ones that were already set to him lying, and his nose was already pretty long. yeah. that one. she came out of her bedroom with my barbie and i snapped. i was in the bathroom when i saw her coming and i just snapped. i ran up to her, as soon as she knelt down on the ground i 'accidentally' hit her in the face with pinocchio. well, with his nose to be exact. and thats the very first memory i've ever had of my oldest sister manuela. yeah, not a very nice memory, but if you were me, you would say she had it coming. lol.

I WISH

i wish i would've listened. i wish i would've stopped when they told me before. but i couldn't. and now that i can, im suffering the consequences. this life isn't fun. not when your trying to hide, and rumors are being spread. i wish they would just sit down and listen to me. listen to my side of the story. i wish they could tell how sorry i am, FEEL how sorry i am. BELIEVE how sorry i am. but i guess it doesn't matter anymore. i guess i just need to handle my own sh*t and whatever. i wish a lot of things happened differently but you know, it is what it is. let the rumors spread. my insanity is only just hanging by a thread.

i feel lost and alone without you by my side. these are words that were bottled up. i should have known all would be revealed in due time. the lies cause pain. tears filled with shame. i cant bring myself to say what i have to say. our time was never up, but your forced 'us' to end. why would you do that? i thought you were my friend. what happened to the old days? back in july... november? i miss you my love. and now that we're over, theres nothing left for me to say but i wish we could start over. a fresh new page. but what for, if you'd go and believe something said from a stupid little wh*re. it was never your fault. never mine either. we've known each other for awhile. i fell in love with you around easter. but would you care? would you care to see me cry? or would you rather just have me sit down and wait for me to die?

i dont know what im feeling. lost. upset. lonely. like a ghost.
the silence is killing me. shall i just overdose? i dont know what to do. im lost and confused. the mood is set. tell me the rules. because this is a game. the best one yet. the one that determines my fate, but i have yet to fret. i would panic, but what for? our time is almost up. i can barely see you walking out the door. with blood shot eyes, i cant go home. now is not the time. i can cry, over and over. but whats the point if ill just do it time and time again. ill get used to it. thrive off of it. you say its not your problem, but it sure as hell ain't mine. you were the one who led me here. made me lose my mind...

i honestly havent had comments on here in awhile... i feel so unloved v.v

grown topic? my views on god and the law of attraction. comment?

so, there's one thing i totally believe in that cancels out the whole thought of god. like, it just has nothing to do with him, it proves he doesnt exist, it just erases him from the picture. its called the law of attraction. the more you believe something is going to happen, the more likely it WILL happen. now, some people try to turn away from all the bull sh*t that doesnt have to do with god, but, thats because they're afraid. afraid of the truth. afraid that what they've believed in for so long is a lie. see, i have no problem believing in the law of attraction. ive been searching for answers as to how everything in the world happens for a couple of months now, and i never really let anyone know, and then i read the secret and honestly, it told me what everyone else refused to let me know. ive never believed in god, truth be told, i thought it was all a huge friggin' lie. like, honestly, nobody actually knows what went on those millions of years ago. and i doubt whoever was alive back then didnt write sh*t of what was happening. hey, this is just me opening up. its my views on the world and history and philosophy or whatever. i mainly think the bible is a lie because its been renewed so many times like, who knows what the first bible even said? its the same story, but theres just so many differences its not even funny. so like, really, i think its all a big lie and that the law of attraction is the only thing that really works. i just had to put that out there. i know this is kind of like, a pretty grown topic, but i just had to say it.

i honestly dont think imma pass school this year, but its whatever.

song im listening too: jersey- mayday parade

mood: DGAF

for the second video i just think the girl should break up with him because its deffinitly not okay to ask for some shit like that.

for the first video i guess she should just sit him down and try to talk to him. tell him that she appreciates the texting, and she loves knowing that hes thinking about her, because shes always thinking about him, but he needs to try not to text so much because its getting kind of out of hand. she needs to tell him the truth. being straight forward is the best way to handle things.

gahhhhhhh rioghneirudlbfn gvioiusrbd lfdgeroigdv -_-
NOBODY'S BEEN COMMENTING ON MY BLOG -_-
this kinda makes me sad...
well uhmmm *cough**COUGH* some people should comment on my blog *cough*cough*SOME OF YOU PEOPLE WHO GO ON MY BLOG*cough**cough*

i feel like crying, but here, thats almost as bad as dying. the pain and suffering. i feel it all the time. when i walk through the door. the hurt. the pain. isnt it all the same?

so give me a reason why i shouldnt do something stupid tonight? theres no use in trying to put up a fight. i dont even care anymore. its 11:45 at night. why try to deny it? i kissed someone tonight and i liked it. maybe this is MY rebel love song...

are poems meant to rhyme? was there ever a time where they didn't? what if those moments were hidden? did anyone ever stop to think that maybe things were never that neat? I'm writing a poem. it doesn't need to rhyme. I'm only writing it to pass the time...

as my pen hits the paper darkness spills onto the page. im scared to go home. i barely even know the way. do you know the time or the day? i look up and all i see are clouds of grey. for miles wide. i need to know the time. get back to you. i can almost hear you whine. 'Where are you? Are you close?' im suffocating in this darkness. i might begin to overdose. i had no idea what this was about... but now i see. when is the next time i will see you? will you be with me? with my sister? they say three's a crowd, but it doesn't feel like it with your company.

dedicated to my oldest sister who is... god knows where...

... i break through the walls that shield the sounds of my cries... to let people know that im not the one who lies. im not the one who goes around and... tries, to hide, the truth from the inocent peoples eyes. i know the truth. and its enough to break the ties... with the people. nobody can help... the lies are going around like little flies. can you see the lies? or are you one of the flies? going around. spreading despair. like nobody cares. would you dare? do you find that fair?

when friendships end

when friendships end its kinda weird because you know all this information about someone, but yet, you guys arent even talking and like, nobody else knows half the stuff that you know. its kinda frustrating.

cigarettes affect your health because they damage your lungs. alcohol rots the brain and other parts of the body. weed messes with your brain also. it kills your brain cells.

now, i know that most people find these things damaging, but the people who smoke cigarettes, weed, and drink alcohol, find these things helpful in relaxing them and getting them through life. its their little boost. now, i know they probably wont learn better until something tragic happens, but, at least they have some sense left and their own mentality isn't unraveling like it would if they didn't do those things. those people know the consequences, but frankly, they just don't care. at least their HAPPY.

what has been the biggest change in your life the past year?

the biggest change? damn. that would have to be when i started going to union. i became a bit more open minded and like, im more open to doing new things. my life has kind of altered. i mean, some bad things have happened since going to union. ive gotten into bad habits, but, thats just me i guess. i definitely go to taco bell more lol

but thats mainly just because that where union heads go when its really cold or of we're hungry. theres a thing called the 'Union Curse'. its when you go chill with the people from union and then all you wanna do is go back to union more and more and like, thats just all you wanna do. even if your just doing the same thing everyday.

people kept telling me to leave before i got it but sadly, ive already gotten it xD