suffocating. drowning out these words, ignoring their expressions. if my mind isnt here personally, am i still okay mentally? these thoughts are driving me insane. these thoughts, all of them, running through my brain. the confusion is suffocating, these moments... penetrating.

i miss you all so much

we were both pretty young. but she was older. i was 1 and she was 11. we were in my grandmothers house playing with toys. my favorite toy just so happened to be pinocchio. the ones that were already set to him lying, and his nose was already pretty long. yeah. that one. she came out of her bedroom with my barbie and i snapped. i was in the bathroom when i saw her coming and i just snapped. i ran up to her, as soon as she knelt down on the ground i 'accidentally' hit her in the face with pinocchio. well, with his nose to be exact. and thats the very first memory i've ever had of my oldest sister manuela. yeah, not a very nice memory, but if you were me, you would say she had it coming. lol.

I WISH

i wish i would've listened. i wish i would've stopped when they told me before. but i couldn't. and now that i can, im suffering the consequences. this life isn't fun. not when your trying to hide, and rumors are being spread. i wish they would just sit down and listen to me. listen to my side of the story. i wish they could tell how sorry i am, FEEL how sorry i am. BELIEVE how sorry i am. but i guess it doesn't matter anymore. i guess i just need to handle my own sh*t and whatever. i wish a lot of things happened differently but you know, it is what it is. let the rumors spread. my insanity is only just hanging by a thread.

i feel lost and alone without you by my side. these are words that were bottled up. i should have known all would be revealed in due time. the lies cause pain. tears filled with shame. i cant bring myself to say what i have to say. our time was never up, but your forced 'us' to end. why would you do that? i thought you were my friend. what happened to the old days? back in july... november? i miss you my love. and now that we're over, theres nothing left for me to say but i wish we could start over. a fresh new page. but what for, if you'd go and believe something said from a stupid little wh*re. it was never your fault. never mine either. we've known each other for awhile. i fell in love with you around easter. but would you care? would you care to see me cry? or would you rather just have me sit down and wait for me to die?

i dont know what im feeling. lost. upset. lonely. like a ghost.
the silence is killing me. shall i just overdose? i dont know what to do. im lost and confused. the mood is set. tell me the rules. because this is a game. the best one yet. the one that determines my fate, but i have yet to fret. i would panic, but what for? our time is almost up. i can barely see you walking out the door. with blood shot eyes, i cant go home. now is not the time. i can cry, over and over. but whats the point if ill just do it time and time again. ill get used to it. thrive off of it. you say its not your problem, but it sure as hell ain't mine. you were the one who led me here. made me lose my mind...

i honestly havent had comments on here in awhile... i feel so unloved v.v